Acclaiming Regret.

 Regrets are painful and may even be destructive, but most of all, they are inevitable to everyone. The only catch is, you happen to meet that sickening bubbly person who goes, regret? What is that? I live with none! I am what I am today because of my mistakes and that's awesome. I wouldn't trade it any other way. 

That is some annoying bull****!

I am not accusing those who claim to carry no regret of deceit, some could be pretty sincere. However, if we are to put such an idea as a model to look up to for the sake of self-development and transformation into the better or even ideal version of ourselves, then we are chasing after an unconvincing lie. Sometimes we may not live with no regrets...because sometimes...a mistake that happened in the past may have turned us into what we are today...and sometimes...just entertain that sometimes, WE CANNOT STAND WHAT WE ARE TODAY! Scratch that! It may not even be a sometimes, because guess what? our lifespan does not stretch to a 1000 years...so a mistake could be pretty much that one trigger to flip that short life of yours upside down and you don't have that many stages left to clean up the mess after and move on. So basically, mistakes turn into a deal breaker....sometimes. From there on, how can you carry no regret, when you are still suffering the consequences of your mistakes and your life is simply harder and you feel so much less at peace with yourself because of them.

In the recent years, I've developped an obsession with definitions; I think they are just very very crucial. It is pretty much pointless to communicate something or discuss a topic when you don't even have a somewhat clear view and apprehension of what the words at-hand mean. Believe me I've seen and practiced myself so much of that sin, where words that hold a certain definition are employed within a completely irrelevant context. Not even for figurative purposes, but simply because we're too lazy or too arrogant to use a dictionary. With that in mind, what do we mean by regret? Is it a feeling? A state? Or an expression? According to Collins Dic. it is all of the above. If it's a feeling, then it can come and go almost instantly. If it's an expression, then so many words such as 'sorry', 'mourn' and 'if only' would follow to signify how we regret something, even though we may not really feel it at the moment. If it's a state, then bravo! welcome to the professional club!

For instance; "I am sorry for your loss" can be broken down to "I feel sad that you lost a loved one". Nonethless, and frankly speaking, I may not be feeling sad today. Why would I be sad? I just heard that I got accepted into the job position I've been dreaming of, received tons of congratulating texts, my mom is cooking a fiesty dinner for me tomorrow and my Amazon Wishlist is turning into an OrderList super soon (not promoting Amzn). In fact, I am having a marvellous day at the top of the clouds. Suddenly I hear that you lost your old favorite dog and I'm supposed to console you putting this bleak facial expression in consideration of your horrible state atm because it is simply right. This depressing scene is not ending anytime soon either.... because I happen to be the only moron who came to visit you today after the terrible news...and you burst out crying on my shoulders telling me how I am the only true friend you've ever had and insist that I stay the night since you cannot stand the thought of staying alone in your house where little Angel used to wander around wagging its cute little tail, affirming that life is still alright! That's when it actually hits me that little Angel is gone for good and I remember how soft and fuzzy he was, so loving and accepting of everyone and everything. You may get a new dog but it will never be like Angel because no dog was ever that polite and filled with warmth and enthusiasim over seeing human beings. Perhaps he was one of the few sources left that still look after the survival of human esteem after the repeated collective agreement on how sick we are of our own species. He was the kinda dog that would run to your grave if you die first, announcing an eternal state of grief because that's how loyalty at its perfect sense is. Damn, I am not even that fond of dogs! So here I am collapsing little by little over the fact that Angel is just gone! The world is missing another pure soul. The world is another stage evil. This is where I forget all about the euphoria I've been put in this morning and submit to the wailing atmosphere. Life sucks and I regret not spending more time with little Angel. 

The above scene of which I thankfully never experienced nor do I wish it'd happen to anybody, exemplifies the three types of regret all together. It started as a conformity expression, then turned into a feeling until it emereged into a state, following the harsh realization that we can never bring back the dead nor time. It's an obvious fact, though the way we act around our loved ones and our daily hours turns death and time into a modifiable mood. Only after we are directly effected by loss, where we truly sense what we have wasted. Not the fact that death is cruel and time goes by fastly, but we just did not lay out enough appreciation and energy towards that person or that thing before they vanished out of our life forever.

We regret things and people, because we feel our responsibility in face of the past. Be it real or not, it is simply unvoidable to regret what/whom we see the role we played or didn't play surrounding it/them. So the perky talk aims to convince you that it was NOT your fault. You messed up because you did not know any better. Your memory on the flip side tells you that you DID have a hand in the matter, nobody forced you into anything. You made that decision, you chose not to spend enough time with them, you chose to drop out , you chose to hit that guy, you chose to be with that demon...you chose to take that job...you chose that school major...nobody held a knife to your neck...it was your own call! On top of that, you had all the resources to make a more informed and wiser decision but you didn't. So now what happened already happened though it is what it is cannot be applicable here because the effects are still present.

 Having said that, this could be regarded as pessimism but it is not; since pessimism is more about the future rather than the past. What I am trying to say, we need to stop tolerating the pressure of getting rid of our regrets. It is futile in most cases and perhaps even harmful. I just don't need another reason to feel bad about myself simply because I still haven't reached that "regret-free" mindset. Why do I even need a regret-free mindset? I regret a decision I made and always will simply because I cannot bring back time. Yes maybe something good came out of it that made me 'know better', but knowing better still cannot bring me back all that wasted time and energy, it is not going to erase the painful memories that flash out of nowhere ruining a joyful moment, it is not going to take off my despair and scars that shape my perception of life which happens to be more on the darker side thanks to what I had to suffer after my decision. Yeah maybe I will be rewarded later on and stuff but none of that changes the current reality on which I am struggling due to a past decision. And why would I blame it on fate, when I clearly made up my own mind about it? On the contrary, holding myself accountable is the only way to be active in midst of challenge. Hold up! Let's not paint things black and white here. I could be wrong about it all, though until that mistake stops altering my current situation, I will keep agonizing the past so I don't ever repeat it. 

What if we cannot and should not abandon our regrets and it will not be necessarily a dead end? What if regrets are not that evil after all? What if we need them to take better actions? What if they are our daily reminder of what could go wrong? What if they help us prepare for a better future? Although that future may be now and you're staring at it. What if a regret-free state is not the indication of healing and improvment. What if regret is not constraining but the way we look at it is. If that's the case, then regret should be celebrated, not eradicated. 

Fluffy- by Omar Rayyan 

It may be deformed but it's your own born

It may be hasselsome but it makes you sharpened

Perhaps the reason why she follows you everywhere 

is because you are running away from her

Blemishes your past and your present

So you don't have to conceive another one

You may long for the old naive days

because you devoured air breathlessly

Now you are more prudent and dull

though how can you imagine life without her?

You wish you never had her in such a way 

though she is here surprinsingly without consent

she takes so much of your time and peace of mind

though she needs no care from you 

Rather you let her guide your steps

you throw that long awaited shower 

celebrate the one that pledges you better than yesterday